case note #1: the “situationship”
of unrequited love and standing up for yourself.
i’ve been in a “situationship” with one of my seniors for about a year now. if by situationship you mean hopelessly in love but she knows about it and actively ignores all aspects relating to that…
i actually developed a crush on her when i was in medical school. she was a resident whose tenure had just ended and my semester had just started. we connected on instagram and that was that. until my internship started and she was my senior. the crush came back with the force of a thousand suns and damn did it make my life hard.
one thing about me is that i’m very persistent in breaking down walls, hence, we became good friends. we spent a lot of time together and funnily enough, rumors spread quick about out “relationship”. my crush developed into feelings that developed into love. i knew it was unrequited for sure, but that small sliver of hope was killing me.
as my internship ended i handed her an 8 page letter (yes i know, very lesbian of me). it contained EVERYTHING. i asked her if she read it a few days later. she said she did. i asked if we were still friends. she said yes. “it was very obvious.” she had told me later. the good thing about laying my heart out was the fact i knew i tried. i hate the feeling of regret, i’d rather have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
we’re still friends. far distant than before. that’s my fault though. i got tired of being the only one close to her because i ended up taking most of her verbal punches, often meant for other people. i guess there’s a security in taking your anger out on those closest to you, you know they’ll never go anywhere. i think that’s why our families see the angriest versions of us.
long story short, i’m distancing myself currently, taking one step at a time. i became too involved, and still am. every little remark would cut into me, every interaction was overthought of and every glance read into. i felt as though i’m going insane.
however at the end of the day she’s still hot and cold and i’m still that idiot running after her. i hope i find the courage to move on and choose myself.
i’m sure they’ll be more entries about her. till then, i’ll see you guys in the next one.
all my love xx
the sapphic scalpel.
I was going to skip this article cuz I hate the melodramatised concept of 'situationalship' but I'm glad I didn't. I found myself in some many lines, especially, 'the good thing about laying my heart out was the fact i knew i tried. i hate the feeling of regret, i’d rather have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' I too had did that except for he isn't friend with me nor I ever tried. Further, unlike you I probably can't ever write of any of the little interaction we had...I'm so damn weak in this aspect!
With unrequited love I also remembered a fictional short story I had written long back with same Title! But, its so special to my heart that I'm too afraid to publish for public.
“i guess there’s a security in taking your anger out on those closest to you, you know they’ll never go anywhere” is such a heartbreakingly powerful quote, but its lesson truly does run deep. as someone who also uses letter-writing as a form of… emotional regulation (??), this was such a beautiful read!!