growing up in a middle class desi society, as a girl and a middle child, you often experience dependency as a burden. your dreams were always too big, too expensive, not that my parents ever said no, but i learnt to minimize what i could, when i could. it didn’t mean my parents didn’t love me, it just meant we couldn’t always afford the best.

that sort of thing stays with you, as it did with me. i vowed to never have children, if only to protect them from what i had experienced. then my sister had kids, two adorable little boys, two beings i would lay my life down for in an instant. then i raised them, as much as i could with medical school and exams.

i learnt i’d be an insanely anxious mom. the day my younger nephew was born, i stayed up all night checking to see if he was breathing (no seriously, ALL night). i don’t think i would last having my own children. it’d kill me. i soft launched this idea of not getting married, not having children in all my conversations with family, dashing their expectations before they could even have them.

but under it all, i do want kids. just not in the way they want me to. i do want to get married, just not in the way they expect me to.

i want to marry a girl, move in together, build a home and have children. it’s just something that is so unattainable for me, i don’t have any hope for it. even if i got the chance, i do not think i would take it. the religious and societal guilt of it all would make me hesitate.

i see this future sometimes, when it’s late at night, tum by murtaza qizilbash is playing and i’m staring at the ceiling. i dream of a wife, of a joint home with my parents, of children, of driving late at night, coming back home from a daawat.

i’m exhausted from telling everyone i don’t want something i DO want. i wish they’d stop asking. i hope i grow the courage to commit, to religion or love, i’m not sure.

i hope my future is bright.

all the best xx

the sapphic scalpel.

my first relationship was at 21 (yes i know but in my defense i was a lesbian living in south asia, too afraid to ever come out), she was older than me but considering life had forced me to grow up faster, i was actually more mature than expected.

we started the relationship on the premise on knowing it would end. i had plans to move to the west permanently and she was never going to leave her parents behind. our time was heavily overshadowed with what was to come but we tried our hardest to not let it bother us. i truly believe it made me cherish us more, the same way a pirate celebrates the gold he looted, only to drop it into the middle of the ocean, to protect it.

she genuinely taught me what love was, both platonic and romantic. she made me realize i could be loved, and wanted, romantically. i always knew i was enjoyable to hang out with, maybe even crushed on from afar. but deep down i did believe i was not capable of being loved, and that maybe something was wrong with me. a struggle i’m sure most queer youth face.

we dated almost 4 years, a time spent so well, truly enjoying each other’s company. i like to think i had a positive impact on her too, showing her what unconditional love was (her words not mine, please don’t come for me). by the end we had settled into a friendship, exhausting the relationship aspect in the way you retire your favorite piece of clothing, wishing it well for the good times is took you through.

if anyone asks me who impacted my life the most, i’d definitely point to her. a gift from the heavens, one of the most understandable people you’ll ever meet. we’re still friends, extremely close in a way other people can’t compare. i love the joy of being queer, it truly makes you appreciate friendships and love.

here’s to people who upend your life and leave you better than you ever were. all i am today is because of her.

all the best xx

the sapphic scalpel

i think i’ve always bought into the theory of found family and how friends are the family we choose for ourselves in a society which forces us to prioritize blood relations above all.

for me, i have to be IN LOVE with my friends and i truly believe there is no separation between platonic love and romantic love except physicality, and even those lines blur often. if more people started off relationships as friendships they’d be better off. i think that’s also why lesbian relationships almost always settle into friendships after, we start off as being in platonic love that migrates into romantic and back into platonic.

which is lovely and represents the constant shifts of life. it is impossible we’ll remain the same people and therefore need to be fluid of what that means for our friendships. female friendships are the pinnacle of humanity in the way that they represent the innocence of love. girls will always be there for each other, whether it’s to sit by you in silence after a breakup, whether it’s to call you out or whether it’s to help you move places.

the secret to enjoying lifelong friendships is simple. be in love with them. be delighted when you see them, text your friends you miss them spontaneously, buy them gifts that remind you of them and above all, prioritize them! this “secret” has landed me some of the best experiences of my life thus far and i am sure it’ll continue to do so.

this is also the very reason rumors have spread in the hospital about me dating 3 separate friends (all female). again this is highly unusual because we’re talking about a hospital in south asia (where queerness is criminalized). men saw me bring personalized birthday cakes for my friends and automatically assumed we were gay. and i was not offended for second, mainly because i hold my friends in such high regard.

moral of the story: be so in love with your friends everyone questions your friendship.

all my love xx

the sapphic scalpel

i actually developed a crush on her when i was in medical school. she was a resident whose tenure had just ended and my semester had just started. we connected on instagram and that was that. until my internship started and she was my senior. the crush came back with the force of a thousand suns and damn did it make my life hard.

one thing about me is that i’m very persistent in breaking down walls, hence, we became good friends. we spent a lot of time together and funnily enough, rumors spread quick about out “relationship”. my crush developed into feelings that developed into love. i knew it was unrequited for sure, but that small sliver of hope was killing me.

as my internship ended i handed her an 8 page letter (yes i know, very lesbian of me). it contained EVERYTHING. i asked her if she read it a few days later. she said she did. i asked if we were still friends. she said yes. “it was very obvious.” she had told me later. the good thing about laying my heart out was the fact i knew i tried. i hate the feeling of regret, i’d rather have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

we’re still friends. far distant than before. that’s my fault though. i got tired of being the only one close to her because i ended up taking most of her verbal punches, often meant for other people. i guess there’s a security in taking your anger out on those closest to you, you know they’ll never go anywhere. i think that’s why our families see the angriest versions of us.

long story short, i’m distancing myself currently, taking one step at a time. i became too involved, and still am. every little remark would cut into me, every interaction was overthought of and every glance read into. i felt as though i’m going insane.

however at the end of the day she’s still hot and cold and i’m still that idiot running after her. i hope i find the courage to move on and choose myself.

i’m sure they’ll be more entries about her. till then, i’ll see you guys in the next one.

all my love xx

the sapphic scalpel.

i’ve been wanting a space where i can dump my thoughts, a place where i can truly be myself (as i live through the complexity of being a queer desi doctor), hence this anonymous account.

i’ve lived multiple lives that have now all amalgamated into one. i’ve been diagnosed with adhd, i’ve been a lesbian as far as i can remember and just recently i’ve become a doctor (aspiring to be a surgeon). all of this has combined into me, a hyperactive doctor who ends up having a crush on every other woman in power and needs anxiety to function.

what a chaotic combination. but it works for me.

this page is going to function as a diary, as i navigate life, friendship and love (unrequited of course) and i hope you’ll join me for it.

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